Foreword by Jerry Seinfeld

Introduction

1. Age

May You Live Till

Oy Vey Iz Mir

The Incredible Shrinking Man

The Show Must Go On

2. Community

Craving Community

I Don’t Have to Go, Now I Get to Go

It’s In You, So Share You

Amazing, Amazing

Gooood Shabbas

I Love My Neighborhood

3. Dieting

Excuse-Aholism

Jews, Non-Jews, and Weight Loss

My Downfall is Bread

Eat, Pray, Eat

You’re Too Thin

4. Family

Here Comes the Judge

I Used to Have a Life

What is a Typical Jewish Mother?

The Miserable Side of Dining Out

All You Need Is Love? Maybe

I Saw Ma

Traveling with My Father

The Orphan

5. Friends

The Importance of Friends

Get A Couple

Abu Mustafa Calls Me His Brother

The Big Snub

Don’t Ever Quit on Yourself

6. Funny

Consult Your Doctor

The War on Culture

What’s All the Complaining About?

The Most Jewish Comedian Ever

The Punchless Punchline

Heeere’s Mark Schiff

7. Helping Others

Coronavirus and Sumo Wrestling

Willingness

A Great Phone Call

A Valued Customer

As the World Turns

A Tight Twenty Minutes

Brother From a Different Mother

I Want to Be Around for All of You

My Uncle Miltie

Simon Says Do This

8. Hope

“B” Positive is Not Just a Blood Type

The Perfect Circle

Let There Be Light

The Blessing

Sealed with a Kiss

9. Kindness

Always Keep Your Promises to Your Dog

How a Christmas Gift Changed a Young Jewish Boy’s Life Forever

The Candy Man

The Haircut

Pause When Agitated

A Period of Transition

Ruby: A Lesson in Kindness

The Rumor Mill

10. Love

Don’t Fence Me In

The Good Old Days

I’m Proud of You

11. Marriage

Proof There is a God

Seinfeld, Bradley Cooper, and My Wife

Two Million

You Look Marvelous

12. Parenting

Great Catch, Champ

Never Talk While Eating Fish

They Are Back

The Nineteen Boxes

Smell My New Car

The Nearness of You

Pay Attention

Welcome to the Club

13. Self-Help

How to Accomplish Getting

Nothing Done

I Love Your Smile

Lost and Found

Nap Time

I Don’t Want to Exercise

Keep Your Two Cents to Yourself

14. Famous Friends

The Day Bob Dylan Came to My House

Katharine Hepburn and Me

Hey, Carl, Don’t Forget Your Toupee

What’s a Kid from the Bronx Doing Hanging Out with Sir Anthony Hopkins?

Free Cars

15. Stand-Up

The Night

“There Goes the Neighborhood”

The Road

Caesars to Cedars

Portrait of a Young Comedian

Acknowledgments

Photos