Foreword by Geary Hobson

Part I: My Origin Story Is a Cross between “Call Me Ishmael,” a Few Too Many Whiskey Sours Packed in an Old Thermos at the Drive-In Double Feature, and That Little Voice That Says, “You Got This”
Bury My Heart at Chuck E. Cheese’s
Headlines

Part II: Instead of a “Raised by Wolves” T-Shirt, Mine Says “Raised by Functioning Alcoholics with Intimacy Phobias & Low Self-Esteem”
The Jimmy Report
My Name Is Moonbeam McSwine
The Siam Sequences

Part III: Micro (Aggression) Memoirs
First World (Story) Problems: Brown Girl Multiple Choice Edition
Tweets as Assigned Texts for Native American Studies Course
Ghoul, Interrupted

Part IV: Garsh Durn It! You Say Patriarchy, I Say Patri-Malarkey, Dollars to Donuts Cuckoo Banana Pants, You Gals & Your Lady Power This ’n’ That
An Open Letter to White Women Concerning The Handmaid’s Tale and America’s Historical Amnesia
Fertility Rites
Wonder Woman Hits Theaters, Smashes Patriarchy
Jame Gumb, Hero and Pioneer of the Fat-Positivity Movement
Post-Election Message to the 53 Percent
Committee of Barnyard Swine to Determine Fate for Women’s Health
Champion Our Native Sisters! (but Only Selectively and under Certain Conditions)
An Open Letter to White Girls Regarding Pumpkin Spice and Cultural Appropriation

Part V: Me, Cutting in Front of All the People in All of the Lines Forever: “It’s Okay, I Literally Was Here First” #DecolonizedAF
Thousands of Jingle Dress Dancers Magically Appear at Standing Rock Protector Site
Satire Article Goes Viral on Day of 2016 Presidential Election Results
Attack of the Fifty-Foot (Lakota) Woman
Minnesota Art Gallery to Demolish “Indian Uprisings” Exhibit after Caucasian Community Protest
Why I Don’t Like “Pussy” Hats
Li-Li-Li-Li-Land, Standing Rock the Musical!

Part VI: Merciless Indian Savages? Try Merciless Indian Fabulous!
Redeeming the English Language (Acquisition) Series
Fifty Shades of Buckskin
Conversations with My Lakota Mom
Feast Smudge Snag
Eight Types of Native Moms

Part VII: “Shill the Pretendian, Unfav the Genuine” Is the 2018 Remix of “Kill the Indian, Save the Man”
Red like Me: I Knew Rachel Dolezal Back When She Was Indigenous
A List of Alternative Identities to Try for Fun and Profit
I Have White Bread Privilege
Things Pseudo-Native Authors Have Claimed to Be but Actually Are Not
You Might Be a Pretendian

Part VIII: I Watched Woman Walks Ahead and Frankly Was Offended by the Cookie-Cutter, Stereotypical Portrayal of the Menacing White Soldier
Reel Indians Don’t Eat Quiche: The Fight for Authentic Roles in Hollywood
Are You There, Christmas? It’s Me, Carol!
Post-Election U.S. Open in Racist Tirades Competition
West Wing World

Part IX: The Native Americans Used EVERY Part of the Sacred Turkey
Hey America, I’m Taking Back Thanksgiving
Clown Costumes Banned, Racist Native American Halloween Costumes Still Okay
Thanksgiving Shopping at Costco: I Just Can’t Even
Politically Correct Alternatives to Culturally Insensitive Halloween Costumes

Part X: BREAKING NEWS—Your Neighbor Who Said, “Whoa, Dude, This Whole Trump Thing’s, Like, So Fricken Surreal,” Might Actually Be on to Something
Step Right Up, Folks
Trump Pardons Zombie Apocalypse
There’s Something about Andrew Jackson
Trump Administration to Repeal Bison as First National Mammal
President Trump Scheduled for Whirlwind Tour to Desecrate World’s Treasures

Part XI: The Trump Administration’s Pop-Up, Coloring, Scratch ’n’ Sniff, Edible, and Radioactive Activity Book
You’ve Got Mail!
Executive Order Requiring All Americans Take Up Cigarettes by End of 2017
The Wild West (Wing) and Wild Bill Hiccup
Give a Chump a Chance
Ars Poetica by Donald J. Trump

Acknowledgments