Go behind the scenes of America’s Next Top Model with this powerful memoir that reveals the manipulation and chaos driving the iconic but deeply flawed reality competition show—from a fan favorite contestant.

“Juicy, nostalgic, entertaining, and disturbing, You Wanna Be on Top? is the America’s Next Top Model exposé I didn’t know I needed.”—Amanda Montell, New York Times bestselling author of Cultish

Tyra Banks’s America’s Next Top Model was a cultural phenomenon with more than six million weekly viewers at its peak. Over its fifteen-year run, the show captured the glitz of the early aughts as well as its most toxic attitudes—from the glamorous but often questionable photo shoots to the cutting feedback from its highly respected if out-of-touch judges. But as its fans have grown up and as the next generation discovers ANTM, they’ve also begun to reckon with the enduring ways that the show has affected their body image and self-esteem.

Sarah Hartshorne would have never guessed that her first foray into modeling would start with being blindfolded alongside three dozen other girls on a charter bus winding through Puerto Rico. In You Wanna Be On Top?, Cycle 9’s only plus-size contestant takes us into the heart of the unforgiving auditions; the labyrinthian cruise ship the girls weren’t allowed to enjoy; and, of course, the L.A. “model house” teeming with hidden cameras and elaborately constructed tensions. As the season unfolds and the producers’ interview questions about her weight and her opinions of the other girls become increasingly pointed, Hartshorne uncovers the destabilizing methods employed to film “reality.”

Drawing on her experience as well as interviews with other contestants and production crew, Hartshorne answers the questions you always wanted to ask: Why didn’t the house have a microwave or a dishwasher? Why did girls regularly faint during eliminations? Which judge was the meanest off camera? Why is it that the girls had their most meaningful conversations in closets? (Answer: It was the one place camera crews couldn’t fit.)

With tender honesty and sharp wit, Hartshorne dissects the iconic show with an unflinching gaze that refuses to smize.