chapter 1.

What This Book Is All About

Your Developing Identity

This is an important time in your life. Who you are as a person—­your identity—­is being developed, and you are beginning your lifelong journey of personal sexual understanding and expression. By identity, I mean your values, your beliefs, what you like and don’t like, how you treat others, and how you treat yourself. Yet this is also a time when there are so many pressures to be how others want you to be. You may be tempted to be different from who you really are so that you’ll be popular with a certain group, or seem cool.

Sexuality is not just about body parts, STIs, and contraception. It is also a large part of a person’s identity, and that is why this book is also about relationships and feelings. How you understand and deal with them will help form your identity. I also write about the media and culture because they, too, can influence your identity—­and not always for the good.

Adolescence is the gateway to adulthood, a stage of life filled with changes, with its own unique joys and challenges. In this book, I’ve tried to address the whole you, all the different parts—­the physical, mental, and emotional things that are part of the adult person you are becoming.

Key Ideas I Hope You’ll Learn

Here are the key ideas I hope you’ll learn from this book:

[...] is the time in your life when you should begin to really know who you are as a person, who you want to be, what values you claim for yourself. Knowing who you are will help you make decisions that are right for you.

[...] body is still developing and you have a right to understand how it is changing. Your body is not to be feared, nor should you feel shame or guilt about it, no matter what.

3.Abstaining from sexual intercourse when you are young is the best way to reduce your risk of pregnancy and infection—­of course!

[...] not start having sex just because your friends say they are sexually active.

[...] can say “no” to any form of sex—­kissing, touching, anything—­anytime you feel like it, for any reason. Boys and girls are both responsible for seeking each other’s permission before any sexual touching advances.

[...] you start having sex, be sure you are able to discuss contraception with your partner and use it correctly every single time.

[...] with someone you trust and can communicate with, besides someone who turns you on, helps ensure your experience will be pleasurable. Young men and women are both responsible for talking about feelings and asking about feelings.

[...] you have been sexually abused, assaulted, or harassed, it was not your fault. You need to talk right away with a trusted adult and tell them what has happened to you.

This Is a “Dip-­in” Book

You don’t need to read this book from start to finish—­although I hope you will. You may prefer to dip in and out of this book, or read the parts you most want to know about. Flipping to topics of particular interest to you is fine, and I’ve structured the book that way. I hope you enjoy it and learn from it.

I

Your Identity: Who You Are and How You Feel About Yourself

2.

Your Relationship with Yourself

There is no doubt the most important relationship we have is our relationship with ourselves. By that I mean having a sense of your own values; starting to have a sense of what your strengths and weaknesses are; feeling that your actions accurately reflect who you are and not just things you do because other people want you to or just to please others. There’s nothing wrong with pleasing others, but not if that betrays who you are. If you have a good relationship with yourself, it’s easier to have a good relationship with others. Later in this book we’ll talk about relationships with family and friends.

Puberty

Your awareness of self as a separate individual usually begins during puberty. Puberty is the biological part of the early adolescent years, when the sexual and reproductive systems start to mature. For some, puberty starts even sooner and for others it can start later. Some of you in high school will still be going through puberty. Boys usually go through puberty one or two years later than girls do—­between ages eleven and fifteen. Each person goes through puberty in different ways at different times, which is normal.

Your Teen Years

Your teen years begin at age thirteen and end around nineteen or twenty—­when you have a completely adult body, though not yet a completely adult brain. The final development of your brain—­the really important part in the front of your brain that handles decision making and planning—­won’t be complete for a few more years, around ages twenty-­four or twenty-­five.

Besides all the visible and invisible changes that are happening to your body, your personality is changing as well—­how you think, how you feel, and how you relate to other people.

Thoughts and Feelings

At your stage of life, there is a lot of worrying about how you look, whether you come across as cool or nerdy, whether you are dressing right, whether your hairstyle is what it should be to make you look your best, whether your body is developing fast enough or too fast, whether you are popular, whether you should start hooking up.

Thinking in New Ways

During early puberty, a person’s thoughts are likely to be mainly about what is happening right at the moment, not what might happen someday—­what is known as “concrete thinking.” In puberty, it’s common to begin to think more about big things, such as your future. Arguing positions, exploring possibilities, considering new ideas and moral issues, is called “abstract thinking.” Abstract thinking has a lot to do with your developing identity.

Thinking About Who You Are: Your Identity

Maybe you’ve begun to examine the values and beliefs that you’ve been brought up with. You are starting to think more for yourself and, as you continue to learn and grow over the years, you’ll notice that things you feel sure of today may change many times.

During your teenage years is the time when your identity is being developed—­who you are as a person, on your own, separate from your parents and friends. Because you are just getting to know who you are, it’s easy to be influenced by what others think of you—­classmates, teachers, coaches. It’s a good time to appreciate who you really are instead of what others want you to be. Think about the ways that you are different from your friends and family and the ways you are the same. Try writing them down, in a notebook just for you. Sometimes, when you write things down, it’s easier to think about them, analyze them, and feel sure of opinions.

What kind of person are you, or do you want to be? Do any of these words come to mind: kind, considerate, generous, honest, loving, funny, smart? I didn’t ask what you wanted to do in your life; rather, my question is about your being—­how you’d like to be in the world. Write down the things you’d like to be and from time to time think about whether or not your actions, the friends you choose, and the things you do are contributing to your becoming this person.

Self-­Esteem (Confidence)

Your adult identity is being created and you are developing self-­esteem. Self-­esteem means having positive feelings about yourself. This is different from what others think about you. Self-­esteem comes from inside yourself. What are you good at? Sports? School? Music? Making people laugh? Putting things together? Cooking? Writing? Helping others? Drawing? Being a good friend? Think about trying to get better at the things you’re already good at. It helps our self-­esteem when we know we have skills and qualities that are valuable no matter what anyone else says.

People who say mean things to other people have their own problems. They may not be nice people or they may just be having a bad time themselves. Maybe you’ve said mean things yourself.

Ask yourself if maybe the person who’s being mean is jealous of you or has a reason to upset you. Maybe he or she doesn’t feel very good about him-­ or herself and acts mean to feel more powerful. What we can do at times like these is think about our good qualities—­think positively. Positive thoughts can become a habit and help develop self-­esteem. What we mustn’t do is base our feelings about ourselves on what other people say or do to us.

Young people who are passionate about things like music, drama, drawing, robotics, horseback riding, writing, and volunteering, and are involved in those activities, show more self-­esteem. Girls and boys who engage in sports and fitness are less likely to have low self-­esteem or engage in risky behaviors.

Everyone in the world has times of self-­doubt, but this is a good time to learn ways to begin to overcome self-­doubts and raise your self-­esteem. For one thing, try to notice the people and situations that make you feel bad, and avoid them. Take different routes. On the other hand, think of the people and situations that make you feel good, and try to make them more a part of your life.

You may meet people who seem to have too much self-­esteem. This probably means that underneath their cocky “I’m the best” attitude, they don’t really have a lot of confidence.

Don’t let anyone make you feel ashamed of who and what you are. Whatever your gender, race, beliefs, body shape, sexual orientation, economic status, or religion, no one can or should make you feel less than anyone else.

Moods

Your body is producing a lot of new hormones—­estrogen in girls and testosterone in boys. These are what cause some of the mood swings that are so common in puberty and adolescence—­perhaps more for girls than for boys.

If you feel sad and...